I don't even know where to start

I really, really don't know where to start, journal. It's been so long because I lost my password. It was a sheer stroke of luck that I guessed the right one today.

The past two days have been miserable. I am so worn down. I'm just tired of it all. I can't even enumerate all of the things that happened. I am picking bits and pieces from the issues that stand out to me.

He ignored me and ate the food I cooked, while at the same time calling me useless and saying I "never" do anything. I said I take care of our son, house and I cook for him and he never even acknowledges it. He told me "stop acting like that's hard. anyone can do it, you're not special." and "I bought the food, so you have to cook it, you're not doing me a favor." I never said these things to him when I was the working one and he was jobless. I still came home and cooked for him. He was even less grateful then. I should've left him back then and avoided being trapped in the house now.

The past few weeks

have been filled with him picking on me for small things. He went off on me three days ago for cussing when I hurt myself. I smashed my toe so hard that the nail came completely off, there was blood everywhere. (I've done this about 3 times this year, I don't know what's wrong with my coordination.) I said "damnit!" and clutched my foot. Instead of asking if I was okay, he swung around in his pc chair and screaming "STOP CUSSING IN FRONT OF THE FUCKING BABY! YOU'RE SO FUCKING GHETTO MY GOD".


I lost my temper and called him a hypocrite because I was hurt and angry. I replied "Don't tell me what to do. I'm an adult and can make my own decisions. You're a hypocrite, you cuss all the time!" He glared at me and said "I still have those divorce papers here you know" and patted his desk drawer. I told him to go ahead, I'll sign them right now. He called me a useless bitch and hasn't spoken to me since. I knew it was useless to argue with his brick wall of an ego, but I couldn't help myself. That's not the full story, though.

The previous two weeks or so was sprinkled with small spats between us. He will give a backhanded compliment to irritate me into an argument. "The rice isn't bland today! I love it!", "Hey, your clothes match today, good job". He has recently been nitpicking and giving orders just to test the water. He does this every few months. If he gets away with making me do something I don't want to do, he asks progressively more offensive requests until I explode. He then uses that as an excuse to give me the silent treatment as a "punishment for being ghetto" (his words, not mine. I don't even think he knows what the word "ghetto" means).

I don't know why he enjoys picking on me and making me miserable. This is something that little kids do to each other in elementary school. You don't deliberately annoy grown adults in their own home. It's so childish it's beyond belief. If I wasn't me, if I didn't see it with my own eyes, I would never even believe grown people act this way. He's so mature and friendly in public, why is it he only likes to pick on me? When I haven't done anything to him, when I love him more than strangers do; why be nice to them and mean to me? Why is he professional at work and then childish at home? It's so heartbreaking. His friends are more important to him than I am. Why do I love someone who hates me? I just want him to love me back.
So the orders he's been barking at me this week are specifically the ones he knows bother me the most. He's been ordering me not to touch the bread because i'm fat, not to wear a certain shirt because it "reveals too much skin" (It's a long sleeve shirt that is a size too big), he ordered me not to leave the house (he knows that's my biggest pet peeve, I like to power walk in the mornings to exercise), he dirtied up literally every dish in the kitchen then told me to clean it (I hate doing dishes more than ANY chore and he rarely helps me with them).

He has deliberately been trying to make me loose my cool. He actually waits with his phone while he's taunting me because he wants to record me yelling at him, so he can show his family and prove that I'm "crazy" like he tells them I am. So it takes all my strength not to yell at him. Anyone would yell after being shouted commands at like a slave.

I'm not trying to belittle the experience of actual slaves with that comment, but it's really honestly how I feel. I'm not a wife, I'm just a slave. Not even a servant, because servants choose their job. I'm forced to comply because I have no money and no outside support. But he thinks that will stop me from leaving. He thinks as long as he keeps money, food and friends away from me, that i'll just stay and put up with his bullying. He is so wrong. As soon as I have the opportunity, I will take back control of my life.

I'm saving what money I find. But it's hard, because he keeps it. All of it. Even mine. He forces me to use my credit card for basic necessities like food and certain bills of mine. This way, he knows i'll be in debt and have to rely on him for support. I currently have $140 on my card with no way to pay it.

Before I married, I was never in debt. I was very careful with my finances and had a good credit score with no blemishes. He does this on purpose. He purposely puts me in a position where I have to go in debt just to exist. He will forbid me the food in the house, then not let me leave, so I have to order take out. But I have to do it when he's not around, because if he catches me eating, he will fight me.

He has our tax return money, half of which I earned when I was fully employed, but he won't let me touch it. I can technically take it from our joint account, but that will likely put my life in danger. He is violent when he's mad.

I wonder if his work buddies know that? They look up to him and he's proud of it. His foreign friends he keeps in touch with on facebook adore him. He's sort of a celebrity in that circle of his. I wonder how they'd react if they saw the secret video of him kicking his pregnant wife and twisting her arms behind her back because she took money to buy food without "permission".

I'm not the type to actually expose him that way. Maybe to the police, but not in public. At least I haven't reached that low yet. I don't want to think of myself as being as petty as he is.


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